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Starting a Search for Birth Parents or Birth Family

Searching for one's birth family, be they an adoptee, birth parent or just a long-lost relative can be an time consuming and stressful task. Much of the information here is geared toward searching adoptees, but towards the end I have included information on searching for relinquished children and long-lost relatives.

The 4 books below can be very useful in the search for birth parents and in understanding why adoptees search

Being Adopted:The Lifelong Search for Self, by David M. Brodzinsky Ph.D.; and others c. 1992
Search: A Handbook for Adoptees and Birth parents by Jayne Askin c. 1992
The Adoption Searchbook: Techniques for Tracing People by Mary Jo Rillera, c. 1991
Adoption Searches Made Easy by Joseph P. Culligan, a private investigator who has appeared on many talk show and is world-renowned.

There are a few things you must remember in searching for birth family:

Many states frown upon "a searching adoptee" . Learn quickly to tell people you are dealing with you are doing genealogy research. You are not lying...looking for birth family is "looking for your "roots". Become comfortable using that phrase whenever possible.
Many agencies are more inclined to share information if it for "genealogical" purposes.
Adoptees are and will be treated differently than the average person in dealing with government agencies. Searching adoptees are not always widely accepted, but we are breaking through in some states.
Starting the Search!
1. Gather all the information you can about yourself and your adoption, writing it down.
  - Date of birth
  - Gender
  - Hospital
  - City of birth
  - state of birth
  - Attending Physician
  - Agency or lawyer who handled the adoption
  - Date of placement in adoptive home
  - Date Adoption finalized
  - Your name at birth if you were given one
2. Don't be discouraged if you don't know all the answers to the above questions
3. Talk to your adoptive parents. This is not mandatory, but can be enlightening. But if you feel your adoptive parents will not support you, or would be angry, then this step could be skipped. Never underestimate your adoptive parents though. They may have legal adoption papers that have your birth mother's name there in black and white! Even if there are no papers with her name in you adoptive parent's possession, maybe your adoptive mother (or father) stole a peak at some papers at the agency, overheard the name, that sort of thing. Some adoptive parents were told information about your birth family, some adoptive parents wrote this down, knowing you would ask someday. It does happen, really.
4. Gather documentation of your existence: a copy of your amended birth certificate, petition to adopt, and final decree of adoption. These last two can sometimes be obtained from your adoptive parents. If not, check with the court in the county of jurisdiction (the adopting agency may be in the county of jurisdiction, or your adoptive parents' residence may be in the county of jurisdiction). If you are unsure, you can check with the State Division of Social Services, or State Division of Child and Social Services/Division of Family Services. They can tell you who handled your adoption if you cannot obtain this information from your adoptive parents or the Clerk of the County Court where you believe your adoption was handled. Again, your adoptive parents could give you useful information here.
5. Contact the adopting agency or lawyer who handled your adoption. Here you will have to use the word "adoptee". Tell them you are seeking non-identifying information. Non-identifying information can range from very little to enough to help you find who you are looking for. Things that might be included are physical description of your birth parents, ages, nationalities, education, number of siblings, occupations of birth parents and/or birth grandparents. There could be mention of where they attended college, if they were in the military (and sometimes which branch), or what city/state/region of the US they were from. Sometimes there is mention of a deceased birth relative (such as a year a grandparent died and what from). There is oftentimes a mention of no medical problems running in the family, or what medical conditions do run in the family. There is a charge for non-identifying information in some states, it ranges from $25 up to $250. Some agencies will waive the fee for financial burdens. Be Patient ! Release of non-identifying information by their agency can take 4 weeks to up to 2 years, but averages 6 months.
6. Ask the adoption agency if there is a "waiver of Confidentiality" from your birth parents in your file. This waiver gives the agency the right to release identifying information to you about your birth parents, names, addresses, possibly a letter written by your birth mother. If there is no waiver of confidentiality, don't get discouraged but DO file one yourself. If your birth mother comes looking for you, she will get this waiver (hopefully) and will contact you. Wait until you have your non-identifying information in your hands before doing this. Some agencies and their employees frown on searching adoptees. Be patient. Some states will search for you, but on the downside, some charge what I consider exorbitant fees (up to $700). If you can afford it, it is up to you.
7. Go to the adopting agency yourself whenever possible. Putting a face with a name will sometimes "soften" a social worker. Ask him/her outright what your birth mother's name is. It never does hurt to try..the worst they can do is say "no, I cannot tell you that" Feel lucky if someone slips up, giving you a name or location or leaving the file in full view while they leave the room. Take advantage of those sorts of opportunities, but don't mention it to anyone. The Social Worker was being kind ...on purpose.
  You are more likely however to get a stiff-lipped Social Worker with your file in front of her. Ask what information you are entitled to under agency policy. And be persistent. It really does pay off sometimes.
8. If you get a birth name, try writing Vital Statistics for your original birth certificate. You may not get it, but it NEVER hurts to try...leave no stone unturned.
9. If you know what your birth parents' religion was , or if it is the same as your adoptive parents find out if you were baptized or were involved in any religious ceremonies prior to your adoption. This is entirely possible if the adopting agency was affiliated with a religious organization...Catholic Charities is a good example. Sometimes all infants in one area put up for adoption were baptized at the same church/synagogue. Try getting your baptismal certificate..again, leave no stone unturned.
10. Try getting your hospital admission records, or your admission card Hospitals will tell you that your records on no longer on file, don't let that discourage you. Keep pressing for details and in some case you may even be able to obtain the admissions card from the hospital when your birth mother was admitted.
11. If you have the name of your birth parents, try looking for them where they last where when you were relinquished. Check the R.L. Polk directory (or City Directory) for the town your birth mother or parents were living in. Look up their name and or surname. These directories were not published during WWII, and some where discontinued after that. Check though, many cities did not discontinue them.
12. Try looking in old High School yearbooks for pictures of your birth parents. If you are searching for a birth mother, check the year prior to your birth and the year after. It wasn't until the mid to late 1970's that girls were allowed to attend public school pregnant. You can also look in College Yearbooks, if you know what college your birth parents attended
13. Check marriage and divorce records for your birth mother's current name. Many of these are public record, but you usually must check these in person, although some states will "search" for a marriage or divorce record for a small fee (usually around $15).
14. Write to Vital Statistics for your birth mother's birth certificate. Some states will do an "alpha search" for a certain number of years, say a 2-5 year time span. There is usually a fee.
15. After getting all your information together, register with ISRR (International Soundex Reunion Registry). ISRR is the most successful reunion registry in the world and registration is free, there are no annual dues, donations are accepted.
  International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR)
  P.O. Box 2312
  Carson City, Nevada 89702-2312
  702-882-7755
  Unfortunately, they are not on the Internet. They do not search, but if a match is made after our information is entered in their database, both parties are contacted.
16. Register with BirthQuest.
  Birthquest Online, Searchable Registry Before national exposure on CBS's 48 HRS in May of 1996, they were a free registry. They charge a $5.00 registration now, they have over 6,000 listings. If you don't have computer access, try having a friend do it for you.
17. Try publishing an ad in the newspaper where your adoption was finalized. Have a friend check to see if your ad appears. Tip: some newspapers will not publish "adopted and searching" ads. Try something like this "Looking for . We have lost touch, it has been since I saw you last. Whatever way you choose to word it, avoid using adopted or adoptee if you are unsure of the newspaper's policies. Try this on your birthday, many birth mother's never forget their relinquished child's birthday.
18. Canadians are also encouraged to register with Parent Finders
  Parent Finders of Canada, National HQ
  Mrs. Joan Vanstone, National Director
  3998 Bayridge Avenue
  W. Vancouver, BC V7V 3J5
  tel: (604) 926-1096
  fax: (604) 926-2037
19. Another Canadian Resource in Ontario is:
  The Ministry of Community and Social Services
  Management Support Branch
  Adoption Disclosure, Central Services
  2 Bloor St. West, 24th Floor
  Toronto, Ontario M7A 1E9
  Phone 1-416-327-4730
20. And yet another, BRAND NEW resource for those Searching in Canada is the
  CANADopt web page, for those born or searching in Canada.
21. Know your birth parent's names? Has it been so many years you wonder if they are still living? Try Checking the Social Security Death Index, (SSDI). It is online Go to SSDI online
22. There are many places to register your information on the Internet. A few can be found by checking out my web page (a shameless plug I know), but a few are listed on my page. Besides, I am also a searching "adoptee-lite", someone too old to be adopted, but still growing up without my parents or sisters.
23. AOL, Compuserve and Prodigy also have "adoption forums/boards" for registering your information If you don't have access to these have a friend do it, or contact me, (address at the bottom of this document). I will put you in touch with someone who can post it for you.
  ****** A note of Caution here. Many Search/Investigative firms may contact you through these postings. Please be advised that much of what they can do for you can be done on your own for less than $50 If you feel you are need of assistance, please ask around. Many of the owners of the listserve below (including myself:colleenk@cheerful.com ) can give you advice per a particular Search Agency. I also strongly recommend joining The American Adoption Congress for the fee of $35
  The American Adoption Congress
  1000 Connecticut Avenue, N.W., Suite 9
  Washington, D.C. 20036
  (202) 483-3399
  They can be found on the Internet at :
  "http://pages.prodigy.com/adoptreform/aacorg.htm#aacorg0
  Or, just Click here to go to their site right now
  As a member, they can give you advice on professional search organizations/ individuals The AAC is committed to achieving changes in attitudes, policies, and legislation that will guarantee access to identifying information for all adoptees and their birth and adoptive families.
  Are you stuck? Need help in another state?
  Try the VSN, short for Volunteers Search Network.
  The Volunteers Network is a nationwide group of Volunteers who have come together to offer our services to people touched by adoption who need search help. We are a diverse group made up mostly of triad members, some have found, some have not, but all of us want to help. They do not make a profit on services, it is at a cost only basis. Our Volunteers charge only for what it costs them to help you. This help is available only for adoptees, birth parents and their family members who are looking for lost loves. They do not locate infants to be adopted.
  Each Volunteer has individual limits as to what he/she may do. Some might only go to the library or check the phone books and city directories; while others may go to courthouses, city halls or other legwork needed. We do not perform full searches from beginning to end, just specific tasks.
  Locations covered are updated weekly, the entire US isn't covered yet, but they are working on it. Locations covered also include parts of Australia, Canada, England, Norway, and the United Kingdom. If you need assistance from the VSN, please contact:
  Paula Ross, VSN Coordinator , reunited adoptee at:
  Kes11111@aol.com
  or by sending her an email with the following information:
  * Your Name: (first only is ok)
  * Email:
  * I need legwork in: (city, state)
  * Specify what you need done:
  * What is your relationship to adoption?
  You will receive an acknowledgment of your email to the Volunteer Searchers Network. You will later receive a message telling you who to contact in the area you are searching or a Volunteer will contact you directly. If we do not have a searcher in that area, we will let you know, so you may pursue other avenues--but will keep your request and if a searcher joins our group that can help, we will email you and ask if you still need our help.
  Please be prepared to reimburse the searcher for expenses only. The Volunteer will tell you what the cost was to him/her. The Volunteer should ONLY charge expenses, not for time or for profit.
  Try Joining a Mailing list
  There are mailing lists for Adoptees/Birth Mothers/All members of the adoption triad.
  Adoptees Internet Mailing list.
  The Adoptees Internet Mailing List (AIML) is for adoptees, "adoptee-lites", and spouses of adoptees only. Check out the AIML homepage at :
  http://www.webreflection.com/aiml/ or go to The AIML page now.
  Can't check it out but want to subscribe? To (un)subscribe, send a message to:
  listserv@sjuvm.stjohns.edu
  Put "subscribe adoptees" (no quotes) in the body of the message, leave the subject line blank.
  Still have problems? Personal help from the list owners: adoptees-request@sjuvm.stjohns.edu
  Adoption Related Mailing Lists and Newsgroups
  In addition to A.I.M.L. we are aware of the following Internet mailing lists and Usenet Newsgroups:
  1) DeAnn Hardy (deann.hardy@mdtnbbs.com) runs and Adoption List open to all members of the triad. Membership is extended to anyone who has been touched by adoption in anyway. To subscribe, send email to listserv@mdtnbbs.com
  with only the following text in the body of the letter:
  "subscribe adopting"(no quotes)
  Deann has also started a database of those searching, contact her for more information at the above address if you would like your information added to her database (no charge)
  2) Roger Smith (rogers@tcoe.k12.ca.us) is the man in charge of the 'California Connection' adoption list. It is open to any member of the triad who was born, adopted or is searching in California. To subscribe, send email to:
  majordomo@e45.tcoe.k12.ca.us
  with only the following text in the body of the letter:
  subscribe ca-adoptees
  If you wish to receive Roger's list in digest format, you should write the following in the body of your letter: subscribe ca-adoptees-digest
  3) There is a list for all triad members which focuses upon open adoptions.
  Write to Yvette Carter (ycarter@world.std.com)or Email Yvette now. Or contact Teri Liston (MeriOne@eworld.com) or Email Teri now for more information.
  4) The Adoption Triad mailing list is open to all members of the triad. Discussions tend to be more focused toward adopting and raising adopted children than toward search or reunion issues. To subscribe, send email
  listserv@sjuvm.stjohns.edu
  with the following as the only text in your message:
  " subscribe adoption FirstName LastName" (No quotes)
  5) Birth mothers are encouraged to join the Birth Mother's ONLY Mailing List. Write to:
  Belinda (belinda@eden.com)or Email Belinda now for more information about membership.
  Another Internet search resource
  could be the one of the Usenet Newsgroups Below:
  1) Alt.Adoption. This is a general discussion group open to all members of the triad, and the general public. (Note, some browsers do not allow you to read newsgroups). Also a note of caution. Alt.Adoption can be offensive to some.
  2)The BRAND NEW Adoptees Newsgroup (soc.adoption.adoptees)(moderated) is open for business. It took a few days to work out the kinks and bugs, but they are now running full steam! Check them out, and add them to your newsgroups!
  For more information about The Adoptees Newsgroup, see our website at
  or go to The Adoptees Newsgroup now.
  3)Prospective and current adoptive parents may find assistance in the Usenet Newsgroup alt.Adoption.Agency. (Note, some browsers do not allow you to read newsgroups)
  There are other methods of finding information, members of the Adoptees Internet Mailing List are a knowledgeable group. (As are members of Deann Hardy's list). They are helpful and supportive. Members of these lists truly are "One great extended family"! I am proud to be a member of the Adoptees' Internet Mailing List, and one of two Search Coordinators for them. I will give advice, helping anyone I can free --for one Favor in return. Visit my homepage and help me find my Dad, Elwood Richard Moore, missing for 21 years. I have been searching for 17 years. My homepage is : http://www.Geocities.com/Heartland/1564/
  I can be emailed anytime at : colleenk@cheerful.com.Email me now.
  Some of this document has been a combination of efforts from the following people, whom I wish to greatly acknowledge:
  Dana Kressierer, Co-Owner of the AIML
  Carter Thompson Co-Owner of the AIML
  Vicki Rummig, Co-Owner of the AIML
  Paula Ross, VSN Coordinator
  Jack Marvin, Vice President of the American Adoption Congress
  Jeff Hartung, owner of the Original Adoptees Mailing List. shut down February of 1996 after a 3 year run, Thanks Jeff, for seeing the need for this "support group"
  Colleen Kittrell, Search Coordinator for the AIML and a searching "Adoptee-Lite" searching for the last 17 years for my father, Elwood Richard Moore
  
  Back To Colleen's Homepage

Starting a Search for Birth Parents or Birth Family

Are you stuck? Need help in another state?